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| Christmas and New Years was good. I got a lot of stuff I needed for my kitchen so maybe now I can organize. I think I just need to get some trash bags and clean out my whole house. Throw out a lot of stuff that I don't use or need anymore.
Last night was New Years and we went to Tom Huck's New Years Evil Party and White Flag Productions. It was cool, they had a weenie roast, a creep show peep show, bobbing for bloody body parts, girls dancing in chicken wire cages plus you got prints when you left. It was pretty cool. Matt, Matt, Rosemary, Jess, Jared, Mark and I all went and we had a blast. They counted down midnight like 4 times but it was fun none the less.
Boring. oh well. | | |
| I dont understand why the stupidest things make me cry. I dont have anyone to talk to about it, usually it is about Matt. My roommate and I are REALLY different and half the time I hide from her. I know its a mean thing to say but... we are just REALLY different. She is a nice person but quite the polar opposite of me, I just wish I had someone to go to that I could talk to and not feel stupid.
I wish I had a place to go that I felt comfortable and not annoyed. I heard my roommates car door close and I instantly grabbed my laptop, went in my room and shut the door. Now she is blasting her tv from upstairs I can easily tell what she is watching. She is soooo annoying. The other night she decided to hang paitings at 1230 in the morning when she knew I had to be up at 430. When I asked her to stop she said this is the only time my brother can come over and help me. Bitch.
I wish I could understand what the hell I want. He invited me to a movie tonight and I told him I would try to stay away because I have been up since 6am and the movie didnt start until 1030. Then he told me that I should just go home and wait for his call because he was at his aunts having dinner with his family. If it were me, or even my family. My mom would have invited him before I would have even had to ask. That thought probably didnt even cross his mind. It usually doesnt. I dont know if I am moving to fast or he just doesnt tell me how he feels but I guess I think of him more as family more that he has the mutual feeling. He hasnt even attempted to invited me to Christmas. Now he knows my familys plans because they are the same every year and in March it will have been 3 years. Although he will claim he doesnt know because he has NEVER been to one of my Christmas either. Even though he has been invited every year.
He says he doesnt want to live in west county anymore, but I am in west county. And I cannot afford gas to drive to Webster all the time. Im broke. I got paid 2 days ago and I have like 70 bucks left to last me until next friday and guess what. I have no food in my fridge hardly either, unless I want to eat hotdogs for a week. He has expressed no emotion about living with me. The only thing he has said about it is that if he went to live at his moms rent free he would be at my house all the time because his mom would drive him nuts. He hasnt said anything about actully wanting to live with me. The only thing that I hear is that my bed makes his back hurt everytime he stays at my house. Well guess what Jackass your bed makes my bed hurt too but for almost 3 years I am the one who sleeps in your bed more that my own so I can see you because you wont drive out here. Then tonight I make the decision to stay here because I do not want to waste his money if I am just going to fall asleep plus I want to sleep in my own bed and now I am the one that feels bad for not going to see him. He said dont sound so sad and it took all I had to not cry. I dont understand why I am crying but the only thing that I can think of is that...
I want him to fight for me. I want him to want me to be by his side too. I want him to want to live with me. I know he loves me but I want the rest of it too.
It seems that today would be a NO day too.
It also seems that there are more NO days then Yes days, but when the Yes days do happen I tend to forget about the NO days until I am alone again.
What the hell is wrong with me?
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| Why is it that when I make a decision that is best for me I am the one that ends up feeling like crap?
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| I want it to be where I come home to him. Where I wake up and he is there. Where if I feel sick I have someone there to comfort me and vice versa. I want a life with him. I want the sound in his voice on the phone when he finds out that he wont see me today to go away. I want him to sound happy because he is coming home to me.
Today would have been Yes, and the only time I saw him was when I kissed him goodbye.
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